Farfie Teaches Sunday School
by Zully Quirke
Summary: Title's self explanitory. ;p


Farfie Teaches Sunday School  
  
"And remember, Farfie, no stabbing!"  
  
The Irishman pouted. "But why?"  
  
Schu thought for a moment. "Because God only hurts when you stab them outside of church. Then he can't protect them."  
  
"Oh." He conceded regretfully. Farfarello looked thoughtful for a moment. "What about biting?"  
  
"No biting!"  
  
"Aww..." Farfie shuffled his feet, pouting. "You're no fun... why do I have to watch the stupid kids, anyway?"  
  
"It'll hurt God, remember?" Schu grinned evilly, "And besides, you had a crappy poker hand."  
  
Farfie cursed. "Damn King of Diamonds..."   
  
"And none of that, either," The German waved a finger warningly. "You must be a good example for the children."  
  
"Yeah, yeah," He muttered.  
  
Schu grabbed his arms, turned him around, opened the door, and shoved him into the crowd of awaiting chibis. "Ganbatte!" The German called after him, smirking. Farfie could survive Weiß attacks, multiple cuts, gashes and wounds, and nightly torture... surely he could survive a group of 10 or 12 kids.... Right?  
  
  
Farfarello entered the chillingly silent room and shivered. The children were all sitting expectantly in a nice, neat little circle on their respective carpet mats, looking up at him with sparkling, innocent eyes. He shivered again. They were all so... so...   
  
"Ne, Nii-san, are you going to tell us a story about God today?" A little blonde boy inquired excitedly.   
  
Rubbing his chin, Farfarello thought for a moment. Hey, I used to go to church all the time, right? I should know a few stories...   
  
"All right, then. Here's a story about God." Grabbing the teacher's chair, he turned it around, straddling it with his arms resting on the chair's back, and grinned at the children, some of whom got very large eyes and scooted their carpet squares back warily.   
  
"Once there was this guy named Jesus. To prove that he was the son of God, he decided he was gonna walk across the water. And do you kids know what happened next?"  
  
"Oh! Oh! Meee!" Cried the young yet eager crowd.  
  
"You, there. Kid with the red shirt."   
  
Clearing his throat in a matter-of-fact way, the child stood and very politely bowed to the rest of the class, and to Farfie. "Jesus Christ then proceeded to walk across the water, which was nothing more than a small river, really, thus affirming the claim that he was indeed the son of God."  
  
"Wrong!" Farfie cackled with glee. "That's not how the story ends, really. That's how they WANT you to think it ends." Looking around the room to make sure he had all the children's attention, he continued. "Now here's the real ending..."  
  
"Jesus did make it onto the water, and walked about to the middle of it. Then, this huge shark with a metal ring through it's nose jumped out of the water and BAM!" He clapped his hands loudly, and giggled gleefully as the children jumped about four feet off of their carpet squares. "Ate him in one big bite!"  
  
"Nuh UH! That's not how the story ends!" Cried one of the children towards the back.   
  
"Oh yeah? Well, who're you gonna believe; me, or some teeny bopper fresh out of the seminary?" Farfie snorted.  
  
"We don't even know who you are!"  
  
"Well, then, allow me to introduce myself," The Irishmen stood up just then, making a point of brushing some imaginary dirt off of his grey vest and somehow managing to look professional in his normal bondage gear and eyepatch. "I am Farfarello of Ireland, and attended St. Mary's Catholic School for the Gifted Irish Christian for six years. And," he whispered, making the children all lean closer. "My mom's very close to God." He smiled again, privately, "Very close."  
  
The crowd of children sat in awe, praise radiating from the very core of their chibi-beings.   
  
The silence lasted a total of four seconds.  
  
"Mr. Farfarello, what happened to your eye?"  
  
"Mr. Farfarello, where did God come from?"  
  
"Mr. Farfarello, why do your ears have those funny gold things in them?"  
  
"Mr. Farfarello, how come Jesus got eaten by a shark?"  
  
"Mr. Farfarello, did you swim all the way to Japan?"  
  
"Whoa, whoa!" The Irishman waved his hands, "Slow down with the questions, kids! It's not question time yet."  
  
A painfully cute girl with curly red hair and bright blue eyes looked up at him, frowning slightly. "Then... what time is it?"  
  
Folding his arms and smirking, he replied. "Arts and Crafts time!"  
  
  
Three hours later, Schuldich got out of his car, tucking the keys safely in the pocket of his green double-breasted blazer. He chuckled to himself, imagining the torture Farfarello must be going through now... the only kind of torture he couldn't endure. Sitting with a group of Christians - children, no less - and not being allowed to kill them.  
  
He took the stairs two at a time and followed the hall down to the room he had dropped Farfarello off at. Knocking politely and still grinning, he shook his head as he felt the immense joy and pleasure radiating from the room. Farfarello must be insa- well, sane - by now.   
  
A brunette with pigtails opened the door. "Nan desu, Nii-chan?"  
  
The redhead squatted down so he was eyelevel with the child. "I'm here to pick up my friend, Mr. Farfarello. It's time for him to go home."  
  
The girl pouted, but complied, opening the door completely to let Schu walk in. As soon as he saw Farfarello and the children, his jaw dropped.  
  
The children were all running around with eye patches over their left eyes and miniature knives, chanting, "Hurt God! Hurt God!" with a very proud Farfarello standing in the center of them, arms folded across his chest.   
  
"What the hell did you do to them?!" He demanded at last.   
  
Farfie glared intolerantly at the German. "No cussing in front of the children. You must be a good example for them."  
  
"Farfie..." He said through clenched teeth.  
  
"Ne, Nii-chan? Would you like to do a craft with me?"  
  
Smiling politely, Schu turned to see the little girl who had let him in tugging at his pants. "What craft is that, kid?"  
  
"Paper machete!"  
  
"... don't you mean paper machê?  
  
"No, paper machete! Mr. Farfarello taught us how."  
  
"...."  
  
"And we can make you your own eye patch too, Nii-chan! And teach you some of the songs we learned!"  
  
"... songs?"  
  
"Haai!" The girl whistled, and was quickly joined by the rest of the class in a... slightly revised version of Patty Cake.  
  
"Patty cake, patty cake, butcher man! Stab 'em in the back as fast as you can! Roooooll 'em and roooooll 'em and mark it with a 'B'! Carve 'em with a knife to bloody up me!"  
  
"... that was quite... disturbing."  
  
"And we have one about hurting God, too! Wanna hear?"  
  
Schu turned to Farfie with a pleading look, and Farfie just stood there, grinning.  
  
"What do you have to say about all this, Farfie?" The German demanded.  
  
Still grinning, the Irishman said simply, "I have disciples."  
  
  
  
Owari!  
  
Ne, ne, what did ya think? ^.^;;;   



End file.
